Give Them a Say: How Small Choices Change the Way Your Team Works

Oct 3, 2026

Ever been stuck in traffic? You know the feeling. You're running late, the cars aren't moving, and there's nothing you can do about it. No exit, no alternate route, no way out. Just you, the brake lights, and a rising sense of frustration.

What makes traffic so miserable isn't only the delay. It's the helplessness. You're stuck doing something you didn't choose, with no say in how it ends.

Now think about how often the people on your team feel that way at work. Schedules change, coworkers call out, plans shift, and decisions land on them from above. Much of that is unavoidable. But how it's handled makes all the difference. When people have even a small say in how things unfold, the same challenge feels completely different.

Two versions of the same phone call

Picture Lauren, a front office manager at a resort. A front desk agent called out late last night, which means the front desk is one person short this morning. Once the agent opening the desk has clocked in, Lauren gives him a call to let him know.

She could say something like: "Hey, just a heads up, Sam called out last night. Jess is coming in early, so you'll have help by ten. Until then it'll be you and Chris, but I know you've got this. Thanks for rolling with it!" It's friendly. It's even encouraging. But the message is still the same. The decision has been made, and his job is to absorb it.

But that's not what Lauren does. She lets him know about the callout. She shares one way she's already stepped in: an afternoon team member is coming in early to help out for the bulk of the day. She offers one other possible solution: he and the other team member could lean on each other to meet guests' needs until relief arrives. And then, importantly, she asks him what he thinks of the plan. Does he see another way of handling the morning that she hasn't? How does he feel about rolling with one less person? Is it doable? Then, once they've talked it through, she asks if he would like her support for the morning hours.

Yes, he'll have more to do this morning. Yes, he'll have to do some light problem solving before support arrives. But he knows he can call Lauren if he needs her. He knows he signed up for this. And he knows he can handle it, because he walked through the potential problems with her and he's prepared for what's coming.

See the difference? The difference is agency. He got a say in his fate.

Why having a say matters

Agency is the sense that you can influence what happens to you. It's one of the most powerful resources a person has for handling stress, and it doesn't take a big decision to activate it. Small choices count.

Psychologist Angela Duckworth, best known for her research on grit, explores this idea in her new book Situated. Her central argument is that effort alone isn't enough. People do their best when their situation works for them rather than against them. She calls the ability to shape your circumstances situational agency.

Duckworth also describes something she calls situational responsibility: creating better circumstances for other people, especially those with less power to shape their own. That's where leaders come in. A front-line team member usually can't choose their schedule, their staffing, or who calls out. But a leader can create moments where that team member has real influence over how the day unfolds. Research on workplace stress points the same way: high pressure combined with little control is especially draining, while the same pressure feels more manageable when people have a say in how they meet it.

That's why the front desk agent's morning felt different even though the work didn't change. Being invited into the plan shifted the situation from something happening to him into something he was helping to shape. Instead of feeling stuck in traffic, he was the one choosing the route.

This matters on a micro level, every day. The way people feel about their jobs is built from many small moments like this one. Each time someone is given a real say, they feel a little more capable and a little more trusted. Each time a decision is simply handed down, they feel a little more like a passenger.

The ripple effect

When you give people small opportunities to choose, the effect doesn't stay with one person.

For the employee, it builds confidence and ownership. A person who helped shape the plan is invested in making it work. They're more likely to solve problems on their own and more likely to ask for help early, because they know the door is open.

For the team, it builds trust. When people see that their input is wanted and used, they speak up more. You hear about problems sooner, you get better ideas, and people feel like partners rather than resources being moved around a schedule.

For the guest, it shows up in the energy of the service. Guests can feel the difference between a team member who is resentfully getting through a short-staffed morning and one who feels prepared and supported. One delivers a transaction. The other delivers hospitality, even on a hard day.

How to give your team a say

Offering agency doesn't mean handing over every decision or leaving people on their own. It means bringing them into the thinking. The next time a challenge lands on someone's shift, try this sequence:

1. Share the situation honestly. Tell them what happened and what it means for them.

2. Show what you've already done. Let them know they aren't carrying it alone.

3. Offer one possible approach. Give them a starting point rather than a blank page.

4. Ask for their view. Do they see another way? What would make this easier?

5. Check their capacity. Ask how they feel about it, and whether they'd like your support.

6. Keep the door open. Make it clear they can reach out if things change.

The key is that the question is real. If you've already decided and are only asking for show, people will notice. Be willing to change the plan based on what they tell you.

Small moments, everyday choices

In hospitality, opportunities to offer choice show up all the time. A few examples:

• Staffing gaps: Ask the team on shift how they'd like to divide the work before you assign it.

• Schedules: Where possible, let people weigh in on shift swaps, break timing, or how a busy day is structured.

• Guest recovery: Give team members a range of options for making things right with an unhappy guest, and trust them to choose.

• The workspace: Ask the people who use a room or station every day what would make their work easier.

• New processes: Before you roll out a change, ask the people it affects how it could work best in practice.

None of these require a large investment. They require a leader who's willing to ask and to listen to the answer.

Help them out of traffic

You can't remove every challenge from your team's day. Callouts will happen, guests will be difficult, and plans will change. But you can decide whether your team meets those moments feeling stuck or feeling capable.

So here's an invitation for the week ahead. If it feels right, look for one small decision you'd normally make on your own and consider bringing someone into it. Share what you know, offer an idea, and ask what they think. Then get curious about how they move through the rest of their day, and how the guests they serve respond.

When people have a say in how their day unfolds, they don't just get through it. They own it.

You cannot have a regulated team with a dysregulated leader.

It's 7:45 on a Friday night. Every table is full, the kitchen is running twenty minutes behind, and a party of ten has just received the wrong entrées. The guest who organized the dinner is waving down a server, and their voice is getting louder.

The manager storms into the kitchen and raises their voice at the line. On the way back out, they snap at a server in front of guests. Within minutes, the kitchen tightens up and the mistakes multiply. Servers stop asking for help because nobody wants to be the next target. The upset table feels the tension in the room, and so does every table around it. One bad moment becomes a bad night for everyone.

Now rewind. Same restaurant, same rush, same wrong entrées. This time the manager feels the same jolt of stress but takes a breath before moving. They check in with the kitchen calmly and get a realistic timeline. They go to the table, acknowledge the problem, and offer a solution. They give the server a clear, quiet plan. The kitchen stays focused, the server feels supported, and the guests feel cared for. The mistake still happened, but the night recovers.

Same problem. Same pressure. Two completely different outcomes. The only thing that changed was the leader.

You can't have a regulated team with a dysregulated leader. Every team takes its emotional cues from the person leading it, and that state spreads faster than any instruction or strategy. The good news is that regulation is a skill. It can be understood, practiced, and recovered in the moment, even under real pressure. Here's how.

Regulated doesn't mean calm

Many people hear "regulated" and picture someone perfectly serene, unbothered by anything. That isn't what it means, and holding yourself to that standard sets you up to feel like you're failing every time stress shows up.

Being regulated means you have clarity, choice, and critical thinking available to you, even when you feel pressure, frustration, or concern. You can still feel all of it. The difference is that the feeling isn't driving.

Dysregulation is the opposite: a state where fear takes the wheel and you react before you've had a chance to think. Psychologist Daniel Goleman popularized the term "amygdala hijack" for this experience, and while the brain science is more nuanced than the phrase suggests, it's a useful way to describe the moment your thinking mind seems to leave the building.

The heart of regulation is the difference between reacting and responding. A reaction is automatic. A response requires a little space between what happens and what you do next. Everything in this article is about creating that space.

Why your system does what it does

Your nervous system is built for survival. It's constantly scanning for threats, and when it senses one, it shifts quickly into fight, flight, or freeze.

For our ancestors, that was lifesaving. If a tiger was chasing you, you needed to fight it off, run for your life, or play dead, and you needed to do it immediately. In that moment, your body redirects its resources toward getting you to safety as fast as possible. Careful analysis and long-term planning aren't a priority when you're being chased.

That's why critical thinking seems to disappear under stress. The parts of the brain that support reasoning, perspective, and impulse control (often associated with the prefrontal cortex) take a back seat, and we react quickly out of fear, frustration, or anger.

The challenge for modern leaders is that the nervous system can't always tell the difference between a tiger and a tense moment at work. A sharp email, a missed deadline, or an upset client can trigger the same survival response. The skill isn't avoiding that response altogether. It's noticing when your thinking mind has gone offline and bringing it back.

What a reactive leader does to a team

Nervous systems don't operate in isolation. We're wired to read the people around us, especially the people who hold power over our work. This is often called co-regulation: we tend to borrow the emotional state of those we look to for safety and direction.

When a leader reacts from fear or frustration, the team picks it up immediately. People stop thinking about the problem and start thinking about protecting themselves. Some go quiet and avoid raising issues. Some get defensive. Some rush and make more mistakes. Over time, reactivity from the top creates a culture where people manage the leader's mood instead of doing their best work.

The reverse is also true. A regulated leader gives the team something steady to anchor to, and that steadiness makes clear thinking possible for everyone.

Tool 1: The five-breath reset

When you notice you've become dysregulated, the fastest way back to clear thinking is through your breath. You don't need a meditation room or twenty minutes. You need about a minute.

1. Step away, even briefly. Walk to the back office, the hallway, or simply turn away from the screen.

2. Breathe in slowly for a count of five.

3. Breathe out slowly for a count of seven.

4. Repeat for five breaths.

Making the exhale longer than the inhale is a simple way to signal to your nervous system that it's safe to downshift. It won't make the problem disappear, but it creates just enough space for your thinking mind to come back online. That space is where responding becomes possible.

Tool 2: Learn from a recent reaction

The more familiar you are with your own stress signals, the sooner you can catch them in the moment. This short reflection helps you build that awareness.

1. Bring to mind a recent time when you reacted instead of responded. Picture the scene as clearly as you can: where you were, who was there, what was said.

2. As you remember it, notice what happens in your body. Maybe your heartbeat speeds up, a pit forms in your stomach, or your face starts to flush.

3. Pay attention to those sensations without judging them. This is important information. It's your body showing you how it signals a threat.

4. Now take your five breaths, inhaling for five and exhaling for seven. Remind your body that you're not being chased by a tiger.

5. Notice what shifts. Then ask yourself: if I had paused in that moment, how might I have responded instead?

The sensations you noticed are your early warning system. The next time you feel them at work, you'll recognize them as a cue to pause, breathe, and bring your thinking mind back before you act.

Your next Friday night

Every leader has their own version of the Friday night rush. It might be a tense budget meeting, a frustrated client, or a team member who pushes back in front of others. The pressure will come. What your team experiences depends on what you do in the few seconds after it arrives.

This week, try one experiment. The next time you feel that familiar jolt, whether it's a racing heart, a tight stomach, or heat rising in your face, treat it as your signal. Step away if you can. Take five breaths, in for five and out for seven. Then decide what you want to do next.

Pay attention to what happens, both in you and in the people around you. You may find that the most influential thing you bring to your team isn't a strategy or a solution. It's your ability to stay present long enough to choose your response.